Excerpt from The Merlin Show!

This is a comedy play about the King Arthur legend in the form of modern day talk shows. The reason behind this is because when I was growing up I always believed that the legend of King Arthur was something out of a modern day talk show. Think about it, a child from a king who manipulated a woman, who then rises to be king himself and marry a woman who would only cheat on him with his best friend. To make matters worse he would be manipulated into having intercourse with his half-sister and they would have a child of incest. If that doesn't sound like something that would make a great talk show topic then I don't know what does. With the hardest working wizard in talk shows with his trusty troll by his side, The Merlin Show is something good to read if you're looking for a break. Available on Online for print and eBooks.

Act Two
Scene One
(Curtain opens and the troll returns to his post with his microphone and King Arthur is in his seat with another chair next to him. Merlin comes out to join the crowd


[Merlin]
Well let’s hear now from the great woman behind the great man. Please welcome Lady Guinevere!
(Audience claps and cheers as she comes out waving to the crowd then dancing dirty to the men. King Arthur shakes his head and gives to thumbs down but Lady Guinevere waves him off and sits down)
Well Lady Guinevere you look amazing today! Welcome to the Merlin Show!


[Lady Guinevere]
Yeah well my husband said we need counseling in order to save our marriage. Does this include sex therapy because he needs it big time?
(Audience laughs)


[Merlin]
Um…No Lady Guinevere this isn’t that kind of show, I’m Merlin. I’m here to make money by mocking people because of their stupidity and I’m a wizard. You know the magician with a talk show?


[Lady Guinevere]
Oops I did it again. Oh wait you’re a magician? So you’re like really good at math right?

(Audience laughs and King Arthur lifts his hands up)


[King Arthur]
Well you can definitely see why I married her right?! Once she starts talking, all the magic in my sword just disappears.


[Lady Guinevere]
Oh so that’s why you’ve sucked recently!
(Audience laughs)
For a while I thought you were sleeping around with another woman.

(They stare at each other as King Arthur smiles and Lady Guinevere gets it so stands and takes off her ear rings)
Oh hell no! You’ve been two timing me!


[King Arthur]
Yeah well why not? I know you and Lancelot!
(The audience boos Lady Guinevere and she sits down)


[Lady Guinevere]
Oh shut up! Shut up! How do you know about us? We haven’t told anybody.


[King Arthur]
I know all about it Guinevere! I leave for 11 months and when I come back I heard everything from everyone! You two did it in our bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, dungeon, throne room and even the executioner’s guillotine. I meant that is some sick twisted shit, who does that?


[Lady Guinevere]
Well the hangman wouldn’t let us use his rope!
(Audience laughs)


[Troll]

(Using a deep voice) She’s a hoe!




[Lady Guinevere]

Yeah well you’re short! And nobody here should judge me.




[Merlin]

But why did this happen? Why have an affair with Lancelot?




[Lady Guinevere]

Because he puts the Lance in Lancelot, hello! Besides this wouldn’t have happened if Arthur just had to go out and get some stupid cup made by some carpenter. He couldn’t have been anyone special because I heard he was eventually crucified by the Romans.

(King Arthur lowers his head and shakes. Audience laughs)

Also Lancelot gives great…oops I did it again, I meant to say he has a great head between his… damn it. He’s a really smart guy.




[Troll]

You’re a natural blonde aren’t you? King Arthur was right, you be better if you were beheaded.

(King Arthur claps and Lady Guinevere stands again and points to the troll)




[Lady Guinevere]

Yeah well you would look better if you were tall!




[Troll]

Oh yeah that hurt.




[Merlin]

Ok now let’s get back on track here.

(Lady Guinevere sits back down)

King Arthur. Who have you’ve been sleeping with behind Lady Guinevere’s back? The maids, the cooks, or…




[Lady Guinevere]

I bet it’s with that lady who lives in the lake! Considering how wet she always is, you know she has something.




[King Arthur]

No it’s not her…unfortunately.

(Lady Guinevere looks at him)




[Lady Guinevere]

Who?!




[King Arthur]

My half-sister, Morgan Le Fey!

(Audience boos)




[Lady Guinevere]

OMG! You sick freaks!




[Troll]

You shouldn’t talk.




[Lady Guinevere]

Shut up! SMH!




[Merlin]

Um…Lady Guinevere. Cell phones haven’t been invented yet, can we please speak full words please.




[Lady Guinevere]

What’s a cell phone?




[Troll]

Something you would use to send naked pictures of yourself to everybody.




[Lady Guinevere]

At least I have a body!




[Troll]

That was good. You should be an insult comic to deaf people.